Practising Since 2019 · Unlicensed · By Appointment
The Bespoke Unlicensed Wellness Practice
Foundational anatomy, considered. A practice dedicated to the often-overlooked lower posterior region, conducted with the gravity it deserves and the credentials it does not have.
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
I — The Practice
The practice was established in 2019 to address an under-served need: the calm, considered, professionally-presented treatment of the lower posterior region by someone with no medical credentials whatsoever. The need was, in retrospect, less pronounced than originally believed. The practice has nonetheless continued.
Stephie Baker holds no medical degree, no nursing qualification, no diploma from any school of medicine, no certification from any regulatory body, and no membership in any clinical association. She has not, at any point in her life, completed a course of medical training. The practice maintains, as a matter of policy, full and continuous disclosure of these facts to all current and prospective clients.
The practice operates from a small consulting room with cream walls, a wooden desk, and a tasteful arrangement of apothecary jars containing substances of unclear provenance. Sessions are conducted in person, by appointment, and concluded with a small mug of herbal tea (caffeine-free, by considered choice).
Stephie does not, and has never, performed any procedure, examination, prescription, diagnosis, or referral. The practice maintains, by considered policy, a strictly advisory posture — one which the practice's counsel describes as "structurally critical to ongoing operation."
— Editorial portrait, not commissioned by any publication. Worn lab coat: prop only. Stethoscope: too short. Does not amplify any sound.
II — Services
Each service is bespoke. Fees reflect the considered nature of the practice and the appointment of consulting-grade props. (Stephie is not a doctor.)
N° 01
Bespoke methodology assessment, conducted in the consulting room. The practitioner reviews your current technique using a hand-drawn chart and a wooden pointer, and provides written recommendations. The practice recommends a back-to-front motion, contrary to common medical guidance, on the basis of "intuition." Written report is presented in a leather portfolio at the conclusion of the appointment.
Tier · Foundational · from £450 per session
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 02
A 90-minute pairing session in which Stephie matches the client to one of seventeen approved cushion archetypes. The selection process is described as "rigorous." The selection is final. Cushions are delivered by post, in plain packaging, within three to five working days. Recommended cushions are not returnable, by policy.
Tier · Bespoke · £680 per pairing · cushion price additional
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 03
Three-dimensional review of the client's sitting form across nine common seating surfaces: dining chair, sofa, office chair, bar stool, pew, ottoman, deck chair, bean bag, and a high stool. Corrective adjustments are delivered as a printed booklet, bound in cream linen, with each surface assigned its own dedicated chapter. The practice does not currently advise on car seats — this is, the practice's counsel notes, a separate matter.
Tier · Comprehensive · £1,200 per analysis · booklet included
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 04
A six-week programme designed to recalibrate the client's standing form. The programme requires the client to stand for twenty-three minutes, followed by a four-minute squat reset, repeated three times per day. The timer is non-negotiable. The programme includes a small brass stopwatch as a gift; the gift is included in the fee.
Tier · Programmatic · £2,400 · six-week duration · stopwatch included
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 05
A detailed assessment of the client's daily cream application pattern. Most clients are doing this incorrectly. The practice's recommended motion is 47 counter-clockwise rotations per session, delivered with a small brass spoon (provided). The cream itself is not specified by the practice; the application method is the deliverable.
Tier · Technique · £580 per review · brass spoon included
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 06
A comprehensive briefing for clients undertaking flights longer than six hours, road journeys longer than four, or rail journeys with no first-class option. Includes the practice's signature pre-flight standing routine, an in-flight position rotation schedule, and a sealed velvet pouch containing items the client is instructed not to inspect until landing.
Tier · Itinerant · £820 per briefing · pouch contents undisclosed
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 07
Custom-tailored sleeping recommendations. Side sleepers are urged to reconsider. Stomach sleepers are politely dismissed without refund. The practice approves of four positions in total, none of which are commonly attempted. The session includes a take-home chart, printed on cream cardstock and suitable for framing.
Tier · Restorative · £540 per session · chart included
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
N° 08
Nutritional and movement guidance focused exclusively on the lower posterior. Includes the popular "Three Squats and a Walnut" protocol, conducted at sunrise (or, where sunrise is not feasible, at the earliest available time). Walnuts are not supplied. Squats are not supervised. The protocol is, the practice has been advised by counsel, "best understood as inspirational rather than instructional."
Tier · Foundational · £390 per consultation · walnuts at client's expense
↳ Stephie is not a doctor.
III — Standing Notices
The practice's counsel has advised the publication of the following notices, in plain text, in proximity to the services to which they refer. The advice has been complied with under protest, but in full.
IV — Counsel
From the practice's correspondence file. Permissions secured. Names withheld at the request of clients, all of whom have since contacted licensed medical professionals.
"Stephie's wiping methodology has, against all my expectations, changed my life. My GP disagrees."
"I purchased the recommended cushion. I have not returned it. I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone follow Stephie's advice, but I personally do."
"She is not a doctor, and she will tell you so seventeen times during the first consultation. I found this reassuring."
"I followed the six-week standing programme. My back hurts in a new place. I consider this growth."
V — Press
VI — Enquiry
The practice accepts new clients by referral only. Initial consultations are conducted in person at the consulting room. The practice does not accept clients with active medical concerns; such clients are referred, with sincere apology, to a licensed medical professional.
[ written enquiry ]
enquiries@stephiebaker.com
Replies, where merited, within six to eight weeks.
[ consulting room ]
The consulting room is open Tuesday through Thursday.
Address provided after retainer.
[ matters of urgency ]
The practice is not equipped to address urgent matters.
For urgent matters, please contact a licensed medical professional.
The practice respectfully declines: persons under 18 · persons with active medical concerns · & persons hoping to be told otherwise.